Living life like you might die tomorrow….

Recently I’ve been thinking about death during some of my training.

I’ve watched the Steve Jobs Stanford speech many times. It’s one of my favorites. In part of it he discusses death and the spirit of it is “to live each day like it’s your last. Time is precious and finite”.

For him that wisdom resonated. Deeply. He near died, or still knew he was going to die. It was very real and personal to him. I think it’s very difficult for someone to truly understand the depth of the wisdom he was sharing about death unless they too have experienced something similar.

Less than a year ago, November 2012 I was hospitalized for blood clots. I was travelling and it started to feel like I had a collapsed lung. I almost drove myself to the hospital in Albuquerque, where I travelled for meetings. I was in such pain I couldn’t sleep. I waited, flew home and was immediately went to the hospital after I picked up a keg of beer and rolled it down the side of the house and into the walkout basement. I could hardly breath, could have died, but I didn’t want to spoil a keg holding 180 beers. Crazy priorities I know.

I got to the hospital, they immediately admitted me and got me a bed. They do that for 47 years old with chest pain. Those symptoms are a go to the front of the line card. I spent the night. In the morning they gave me a CT scan with dye in my veins and found blood clots in both lungs. I was out in the morning with blood thinners and back to work by 10 am after picking up medication from the pharmacy.

I was so focused on work, enjoying it, having fun, moving mountains, people relied on me and I didn’t even stop to do a gut check about the seriousness of what happened. I blew it off. Only later after doing some research did I realize how serious it is with a high death rate.

Fast forward to my training for Ironman Mont Tremblant. My weight is up, my fitness by normal peoples standard is outstanding, and by my standard it’s poor. I can do the miles I used to do but not at the speed I used to do.

Then after 7 weeks into training for the IMMT, I’m starting to experience some over training symptoms. I can’t get my heart rate up during some training sessions, primarily on the bike. It starts to scare me. I start wondering if the years of heavy training I did from 2007 – 2011 screwed up my system. I did have major issues during the end of that time, had they not went away? Could my cortisol levels be out of whack? Could my Thyroid be a problem because I train a ton and find it near impossible to lose weight without strict dieting, could my testosterone be a problem?

Last week I did a stress test. I outran the machine, with video to prove it. The max they will let the treadmill go is 20 minutes. Normal people spend 6 – 12 minutes on it before they hit the high heart rate the doctor is looking for and they shut down the machine. I did the full 20 minutes and my heart rate didn’t exceed 166 bpm. At first I thought this was great, I was proud. The next closest guy was a 28-year old Kenyan runner who made it to 19:31 and then they shut it down when he hit 191 bpm. I definitely was bragging after that test.

After this weeks poor training sessions, I started to wonder if it was not good that I beat the machine? Could it be because I have a problem and it’s not because I’m so fit? I searched the Internet, which is dangerous, you always find the worse case scenarios. I found one that said 7 out of 8 people that beat the machine like I did with a low heart rate ended up eventually getting heart disease.

Then, what caused the blot clots? I’ve read a lot of endurance athletes get them. Many die from them. They are serious. Often caused from stress fractures. Other feedback is due to regular dehydration, it causes the blood to become thicker and stickier and even scar the blood vessels. I also read that excessive sweating causes magnesium levels to be low and that is a problem because it encourages clotting. Who’s to say my clots don’t come back after I stop the blood thinners? The doctor says there is a 10% chance. Other stats are as high as 50% of people who experience blood clots can die during an episode. Yikes!!!

Add to the madness it’s well documented that endurance athletes have a higher than average mortality rate. All the over oxidation is not good for you as it causes free radicals, breaking down the body, causing all kinds of problems. Contrary to what people think, us physically fit people are not necessarily healthy.

Now that I’ve been back to Ironman training for the last 7 weeks it’s been giving me some time to decompress and think. Lots of time. I’m starting to realize that my blood clot episode was serious and I didn’t take it serious. I’m realizing that my lifestyle of training hard for Ironman’s is not necessarily good for you. I’ve come to realize that my mature 17-year-old mind and partying like there is no tomorrow when I do party is also not safe. Then you add them all together and it makes for a dangerous cocktail. Not to mention the possibility of getting hit by a vehicle when biking on the road.

I didn’t even touch on the aspects of work stress and travel health lifestyle. A plane could also crash. I could get my iPhone stolen in Atlanta and get stabbed or shot when I confront the thieves about stealing my iPhone from the change room in Bloomingdales.

Just last month my younger brother by 15 months was hospitalized. He had two heart attacks and they put in stints. Like me, he didn’t take it too seriously and was working from his hospital room.

So I’ve started to think of my own mortality. I’ve had many thoughts. Do I stop what I’m doing? Do I re-prioritize my life? How long do I think I’ll live? What do I think I’ll die of?  If I lived my life like it was my last or that it would end soon, what would I do differently? Would I act differently? Would my personality change?

There has been glimmers of fully understanding what Steve Jobs meant by live you life like it was your last, or with the understanding we have limited time on this earth. Frankly I've been a little reluctant to go down that rabbit hole too deep thinking about it. I don’t know why, I probably should. It could only bring positive results.

This past week Alice and I had our 25^th Wedding Anniversary. We are not really too overly focused on stuff like Anniversaries. Many times we’ve near forgot and my sister would remind us. We pretty much try to be good to each other all year round and not sweat those societal special occasions. Neither of us usually wants anything for birthdays or Christmas. If we want something we usually just get it.

Like most years, for birthdays, Christmas’s and anniversaries I don’t go shopping for gifts until the day before, or the day of. This week was no different. I walked into the Mall not knowing what I was going to get the day of our anniversary. I assumed it would be jewelry.

As I walked in I was on the phone and it was Al and he suggested a trip. Boom, it hit me, yes a trip, a vacation together. We went to Kona for our honeymoon and I did the Ironman there, it seemed like the perfect gift. We had a beach vacation for our honeymoon and now we could have a beach vacation for our 25^th.

I went to the travel agency in the mall and started looking for a trip. It then hit me as I was sitting there, this is our 25^th wedding anniversary. It’s not something that happens everyday. It’s a big deal. I almost didn’t take it seriously.

I knew the minute I sat down it was going to be a first class, no holds barred trip. Normally I get off on seeing how much money I can save. This was the first time I’ve used a travel agent and all I said was I don’t want third world all –inclusive, I want something with a white beach with first world amenities, service and food. It took a while, but when she suggested Barbados I knew that was the place, it felt right.

Cost was not an object. I didn’t even ask the price. I was starting to think, “this is one of those moments you need to live life like it could end tomorrow and do it right”. I wanted the best room, best location and it turned out they didn’t have it, or so the agent thought. The one I wanted with the Jr Suite with butler service. I had to settle for regular room but then as she was going to purchase the tickets, miraculously the junior suite popped up. Someone must have had it on hold and let it go. The minute she said it was available I said “yes” without even knowing the cost. I felt it was fate.

This was probably the first time I’ve thought of my mortality and making a decision based on that and knowing Alice deserves more than a great first class vacation. Especially since I could only get away from work for four days, I wanted to make sure it was a relaxing and most enjoyable four days.

So here I am, I think I’m going through a transformation. At least I hope I am, that would be cool. I’m starting to look at life differently than I did a month ago. I’m piecing together my health issues and better understanding the fragileness of life and am feeling real motivation and purpose to change my perspective.

What that means or evolves into I’m not sure. Sunday I signed up for another Ironman in Cozumel in December. I thought about it and did it for two reasons. The first is I need a goal to keep me in shape and two, I felt life is short and I want to do it, so do it. Of course it sounds romantic now until I have to start training in the cold October and November weather.

Training Payne 3.0...My Next Quest...

1987 Ironman Canada - 21 yrs old

2010 Ironman World Championships Kona - 44 yrs old

Training Payne 3.0 - The preamble

This is my third blog, Training Payne 3.0. The first one was about my journey from Fat to Fit. I blogged everyday for 4 years and it ended with me qualifying for Kona after starting 50 lbs overweight. By the last month I had 8000 monthly hits before shutting it down.

The next was Training Payne 2.0 and was private. Focusing on my transition from business owner and talked more about personal, non triathlon subject mater.

I guess you can say this is the next blog in the trilogy. Training Payne 3.0. This blog is about the next phase of my triathlon journey...From Ironman fit to sliding a little back to my past....and reversing it...then working to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Since Training Payne 1.0 here's what's happened....

It's been crazy since the end of 2011. I became President of Picaboo Yearbooks and am laser focused on revolutionizing the yearbook.

In the process I've let my fitness, health and weight go. It was almost a mirror of what happened when I was 24 years old and was part of starting a new business venture in 1990. I was in great Ironman shape back then and within 2 years I was out of shape and overweight, eventually ballooning up to 227 lbs.

In 2007, I had enough. For 16 years between 1990 and 2007 I primarily gave up triathlons. I did some here and there, but no Ironmans. I remember having a dream on night that I was in an Ironman event and couldn't finish. It was the first time I realized that my Ironman card from my 20's had run out.

In May 2007 I decided to get back into shape and get back into triathlons, a passion of mine that just feels natural. It's definitely a sport that suits my personality, which is all or nothing. There's no middle switch. I can either be a committed triathlete or a committed couch potato or workaholic or partier or anything I put my mind too.

It was an incredible journey, from fat to fit. I lost 50 lbs and even qualified for the half ironman world championships in Clearwater and the Ironman World Championships in Kona. I did 7 more Ironmans, bringing my life total to 10 and in the process became faster in my 40's than I was in my 20's.

After qualifying and doing Kona in 2010 I was burnt out. I did 3 3/4 Ironman Races in 2010 alone. China I had to DNF because of foot poisoning and kidneys were shutting down 1/2 way through the run in 43C weather. I trained a huge amount of hours for near 4 years without a break (over 50,000 km's of swim, bike and run) and threw my entire body chemistry out of whack due to over training. I can't even begin to cover all the issues, salt depletion was the worst, and most dangerous, even though it doesn't sound like a big deal. It is.

Fast forward to 2010, I sell my business after 20 years. Did some consulting and the workload was much less than I was used to, it was a semi-retirement. I thought I'd train more, I was wrong. Between burnout from doing 4 Ironmans in one year and lack of the work routine and riding on my past accomplishment coat tails, I slowly started the downward spiral of losing fitness and gaining weight.

I started to take it easy, rest on my laurels like an old NFL football player and enjoy life a little to much. With no responsibilities of owning a business and more time on my hands, with a world class bar in my basement, let's say every day seemed like a weekend. It was fun.

I started to deteriorate fitness, weight and health wise.

One thing I did learn in the process was I can't retire. I thought I could, I can't. I need work stress and stimulation. That was a good learning experience, learning what you don't want. In late 2011 I got involved with a new venture with Picaboo and I became President of Picaboo Yearbooks with the mission to revolutionize the yearbook. I previously owned a Canadian yearbook company and I really enjoyed it, becoming passionate about how to revolutionize the yearbook industry with a new business model.

Launching Picaboo Yearbooks definitely got me back stimulated, between 12 - 16 hours a day, including weekends. When I started I said to myself, "remember the past and don't repeat it, you did an all out assault of launching a business in 1990 and lost your triathlon and personal self". Not to mention the sacrifices made of spending much of my time at work or on the road for about 15 years building a business and missing many family situations, vacations, triathlons, and time to enjoy the little things. I didn't want to repeat this this go around. I figured I learnt my lesson, but it was definitely a test I wasn't sure I'd pass or not. It was another challenge and test to see if I learnt from my past experiences.

Fast forward to my new position. Up until the end of this April I've been working like a madman, inhuman hours, losing work-life-training balance in the process. I'm working as hard and with more wisdom and experience that when I was in my 20's and it's been cool knowing how not to make mistakes and move things forward without question. It's been fun, and still is. Only issue was in the process I started to repeat my past and although not as bad as in my early 20's, I started to train less and my physical and mental health suffered.

Even though I was working crazy hours last summer I still did manage to scramble a 6 week training plan together and compete in Ironman Roth in July 2012, and even setting my second best time, a shocking 10:40, I was drawing on my previous 5 years of insane training to pull me through. The down side was I was in Europe for 2 weeks with the family and pretty much working most of the North America hours using skype and email. I think my record day is about 800 - 900 emails at one point. Up until recently I've been averaging about 500 emails each day. Typical when starting and trying to grow a business rapidly.

After Roth I cooled the jets big time and did minimal training, at least for me. Between 11 - 30 hours per month. Between working too much and enjoying it, and not training and a little too much partying with Alice as part of my balanced approach I got out of shape and put on the pounds. I got soft. I hit my peak less than 2 months ago, hitting 203 lbs. YIKES!!!! For me 181 - 185 lbs is my normal racing weight and that was a 181 - 185 of muscle.

Over Christmas alone I figured I gained 10 lbs over a 7 - 10 day period. Having a Kegerator in the house with draft beer available on tap doesn't help. I could no longer hide the fact that my Ironman physique was over. My clothes were getting tight and I was SOFT. I was kidding myself when I was at 187 lbs thinking I hadn't gained weight. I hadn't, but my body composition had changed, bye, bye muscle.

Now to add to my downwards spiral, I was hospitalized with blood clots in November 2012. That blew me away, how could that be? Then the doctor told me I need to take 6 months off training and no beer. He also told me I couldn't compete at Ironman New Zealand in March. I had signed up for it and it was to be my kick in the pants to get back into shape race. Now I had to bail.

Then I stopped listening to the doctor about the training and started doing 11 - 30 hrs a month and started having some beers again. I didn't take it too seriously and felt I couldn't live my life without doing what I want to do.

In lieu of cancelling out of IMNZ I decided to register for Ironman Mont Tremblant, I needed a goal. The race happens August 18th, 2013. By doing so it forced me to "have a day of reckoning". You just can't do an Ironman by just showing up,you have to train for it.

As all this insane, fun, challenging work was going on, I told myself that by the end of April I need to make a change. I could no longer maintain the pace. I got some support from my team and help was on the way. In May we added some depth and structure to our management infrastructure and it freed me up to still work hard but not put in those insane hours.

As a sidebar to help myself, er should I say, force myself to stop working in the evening, I bought a lock box style safe and the only person with the combination is Alice. I'd try to shut it down by 8 pm and put my laptop and cell phones in the safe to force me to stop working. It works. Tough part is if I get up earlier than Alice I'm anxious for her to wake up so I can get to work.

So second week of May I got my butt into gear and started training for Ironman. Putting in serious mileage. I started from near zero and went to 100 mph. In three weeks in May I did 53 hours / 1100 kms of training and June I did 78 hrs / 1560 kms of training. I also started at 203 lbs and am now down to 192 lbs as of today with more muscle, a 11 lb loss,  I didn't lose a pound for the first 3 weeks because I muscle weight was substituting fat weight. I'm happy with the progress, although it's been super hard to do.

I still want to get down to 183 lbs or less. 9 more pounds to go. That's a lot. It's just shows how much I let myself go. I used to take 183 lbs for granted. Actually I used to be 181 lbs and when I hit 183 I'd start freaking that I was gaining too much weight.

So here we are, the beginning of Training Payne 3.0 - "My quest for balance"...

In my world "the quest for balance" is like a "quest for happiness". I'm not sure if it's possible with my personality. I'm hoping that finding balance will also add to more happiness. It's a theory.

Right now I'm not yet back to my starting point from a weight perspective, I have 9 lbs to go to get to my minimum acceptable level of 183 lbs. Truth be told I'd love to get to 175 lbs, but I'd be happy being in the low 180's.

The challenges I face are balancing work, family, training, racing Ironmans, physical and mental health and having fun while doing it all. No easy task especially as you get older. I'm finally starting to realize I may not be that young anymore, at least physically. Mentally I've been a mature 17 year old for sometime, however I think I may be closer to 22 years old mentally now. I'm getting a little more serious and less reckless in the last 3 months.

Anyway, that's the preamble, that's what this blog is all about. Let the new Training Payne journey begin!!!