July 4th Breakthrough thinking...

My last blog post was Tuesday. I didn't blog Wednesday or Thursday. I couldn't Physically and mentally I hit a wall.

Physically I had no energy. Mentally I was exhausted.

It all started Tuesday night after my 2 hour 40 minute run. It came home near 10 pm from that run and I was sore and tired. I smelt terrible. Toxins were definitely coming out of my body. I couldn't even stand the smell and when you can't stand your own smell you know it's bad.

I was proud I finished my long run I wasn't too happy with the pace, it was slow.

The reason my problems started Tuesday night was I couldn't sleep. I probably go 2 or 3 hours of sleep. A big part of the problem was I was so tired I couldn't even bring myself to have a rinse my body off shower. I went to bed after a near 3 hour run of exuding toxins sans shower.

I fall asleep every night watching You Tube shows about serial killers. I find it fascinating that there is such people on this earth and the narrative is usually very soothing.

Every time I'd fall asleep moments later I'd wake up because I smelt so bad. I went to bed around midnight and watch 4 or 5 of these 40 minute segments and would fall asleep and my body odor would wake me up. It was the equivalent effect of smelling salts.

It was so bad that at 4:14 am I could stand it no more and got up and had a shower. It was too little too late. I lost all my sleep and to say I woke up in a foul mood was an understatement. It was that feeling of the whole body feeling on edge and totally mentally exhausted.

I worked through it, had some meetings and have been spending much of my time doing some research on a topic I'm interested in. Later in the afternoon I tried to do a late afternoon nap and it still didn't help. It was too little too late.

Not only was I mentally physically exhausted and irritable from sleep deprivation. Physically I had no energy. I've been trying to accelerate my weight loss for Ironman Boulder, which is only a month away, by eating 1000 calories or less. On Tuesday I did that and burnt close to 3000 calories of training.

This low calorie diet without training would make me tired from the body detoxing and burning fat. Add training to it and it through my body physically into a tailspin.

This feeling carried over from Wednesday to Thursday. I continued to feel unmotivated and tired. I managed to do some online research for work yet couldn't get myself out the door to train no matter how many games I played in my mind. I ALMOST got out the door for a bike ride on Thursday, I got dressed, bike tires pumped, water bottles full and opened the garage door and it started to rain. Back in the house I went.

It took a while for it to stop and then the long ride I wanted to do wasn't possible. Time ran out. I had to go with Reid to pay for and pick up his new car. It didn't go smooth, the back license plate was seized. Hard as we tried it wouldn't come off. Then it was off to a service station that was closed and then to a jiffy lube where they couldn't get it off either and eventually helped us cut it off. That added an hour to the event.

The car is manual transmission and Reid had to drive it home about 30 miles through busy traffic. Lots of stopping and starting. He told me he knew how to drive manual. He wasn't very good. I drove ahead of him and he and Alice followed. At one time he couldn't get it out of first gear at a stop light on a super busy intersection and it took three rounds of light changes until he got it moving.

I could only imagine the pressure he felt and he's also very particular and was not panicking and not wanting to burnout the clutch. I was more worried for his and Alice's safety as it was so busy I was thinking they could get hit by a car from behind. It was painful to watch. Definitely a good learning experience. Nothing like being thrown into the fire. Sink or swim. He swam.

When he got home he was not happy and a friend who has a manual transmission came by to give him more lessons and he did lots of You Tube watching. He's still having trouble starting out of first gear but he's getting better.

Getting out of the house to help him get his new car and getting some fresh air helped. I must have looked like a bum as I hadn't showered since Wednesday at 4:14 am and hadn't shaved since Monday. All I needed was to show up wearing and house coat and my ensemble would be complete.

My sleep patterns are also out of whack. I don't know when it started, maybe two or three weeks ago. I normally fall asleep around midnight and wake up at 7 am. Now I'm going to bed at 2 am and waking up between 8:30 and 9:30 and the last couple hours is terrible sleep as the room is full of sunlight. It's hard to sleep with the sun finding it's way into your eyelids.

Not to mention all the weird dreams I've been having. On Wednesday night my dream included Conny Chung, the news person and Maury Povich's wife. Who the hell dreams about Connie Chung???? I don't remember the details but remember she was in the dream.

Last nights sleep it was Rick from Pawn Stars and John a past supplier I had along with a full ensemble of others. Rick and John were at each others necks and I was in the middle keeping everything together. I can't remember the dream but it was awesome. Unfortunately I had to go to the bathroom and that ended it. Even though I tried to stay with the dream with my eyes closed as I shuffled to the washroom.

The good news is I started to catch up on my sleep. All the catch up sleep worked. The last two days I've been working on the computer researching and then time lying down and sleeping. It's been two dog days.

The other piece of good news was even though I wasn't feeling great I maintained my diet and ate healthy. My focus maintained. I was still trying to keep it around 1000 calories and few carbs, mostly proteins. I felt good about keeping my food in check.

I woke up this morning feeling much better mentally and physically. Not 100% but good enough to get my butt out the door for my long bike ride.

It didn't take long until I realized I had no power. It surprised me. Normally after a couple days of rest the legs are strong. I had so little power that I couldn't even break 24 kph avg. It was a long ride so I had a lot of time to think about the WHY I felt so lousy.

The answer didn't take long. It was my diet. I've been here before when I was on my Ketosis diet and tried to train for an Ironman. I had no energy then. For some reason I figured that doing a low carb diet this time would work. In actual fact I risked it because I'm so motivated to lose 15 lbs in the next 4 weeks. It was a risk I was willing to take.

Today I realized it won't work. Without the proper fuel my performance is dropping and if I realized it's better to race heavier than it is to race weak. I even did this ride stupidly. I only brought water, no Gatorade. I drank lots, even stopped for spring water from a hidden spot.

By 3.5 hours into the ride I had no fuel. I still didn't take a power bar I took a protein bar. It got worse. By 4.5 hours my legs were more tired than if I did a 7 hour ride. This was worrisome as this was my 3rd long ride and my legs shouldn't be feeling like it was my first long ride. I was to do a 6 hour plus ride and there was no way that was going to happen. I was hurting at 4.5 hours. I was on the verge of calling Alice to come pick me up it was that bad.

I sucked it up and pulled myself out of my mental hole. It's one thing to be sore it's another to be in a mental hole where the pain moves from the legs and into the head. A mental hole is what you tend to experience in an Ironman when you are sore and have a long way left. It's the battle between your ears.

I could have got sucked into the hole and forced myself not to. I tried to be as positive as possible and not think how much longer I had left. Instead it was more like, SIU, it's only 40 minutes away. By the time you call Alice and if she can figure out where I am, as I do a lot of twists and turns, I'll be home. I turned the mental hamster wheel off.

It scared me so much that I made my mind up that the dieting and low carb days are over. At least from now until Ironman Boulder. All I could think about was doing this race feeling this way. That will be brutal. It would turn out to a 13 or 14 hour Ironman.

The other realization was that I can't mess with my program. I'd been moving my training days and taking a couple days off. Essentially training like a guy without a structured training program. I can't do this. With essentially only 2 more full weeks available to me to train hard I can't deviate from my regular training schedule. Even with that I can't tell you how scared I am that even that won't be enough.

My mind keeps thinking that this my last Ironman will hurt the most. The last Ironman I did before my 16 year layoff was 14 hours and it was brutal. So brutal I said I'd never do another Ironman. Mind you I hadn't trained much. Only 6 weeks and my longest ride was 72 miles and run about 90 minutes. Now I'm only doing about 8 weeks of training and I'm 25 years older and I'm thinking this could be history repeating itself.

As I rode I kept thinking that if I wasn't raising money for Doctors without Borders I'd probably consider bailing on this Ironman. It's my sole motivation at this point. There is something to be said for supporting a cause and peer pressure.

While riding and feeling mentally spent and physically sore I was wishing I didn't have to do this, I was hoping for the best at the Ironman and glad that once I get through this Ironman I won't have to do these long training rides and runs anymore and I'll probably just do training for half Ironman's to keep fit.

I love multitasking. It makes you feel like you are adding hours to the day. My multitasking was to finish listening to an audio book about controlling alcohol by Allen Carr. The timing was perfect. I had 5 hours left on the audio book and the ride was 5 hours. In two training sessions I listened to the 8.5 hour audio book.

This audio book was just what I needed. The timing was perfect and the content and approach gave me a different perspective. I highly recommend it to others. I can't see myself drinking again.

Clarity and peace is the way I feel right now. Not from the book, just a vibe. I feel like I'm in the place I need to be. That fate has brought me to where I am now. That all my years of experiences and trials and tribulations have moulded me and my life is just about to begin at almost 49 years old.

I've never felt so optimistic and in control of my future. I feel free. I have a clear vision for myself.

When I got home at 5 pm I was tired and had a plan. First I had a big glass of chocolate milk, then some Recoverite and a fresh banana-strawberry protein shake. Next was to get back on the proper performance eating diet with a healthy diet of carbs. I asked Alice if she wanted to go for a Friday night dinner and we had a great Mediterranean meal. The starter of lots of pita bread and hummus suited me fine. It hit the spot. I felt much better afterwards. Especially when we stopped for some yogurt dessert on the way home.

It was a breakthrough day on so many levels. Life changing. You never know when these unexpected days are going to happen. I'm looking forward to the future.

Long Bike - 5:08:12 / 123.03 km